I Don't Like Blah

Sometimes, this town really drives me nuts. I go into this slump because I guess maybe I'm sick of the way things are. I'm not really a country girl at heart; I tolerate it. But it gets to me when I really want to be out in the evening but there's nothing to do after seeing the grandwonders and their parents, or if we don't want to see a movie, or if it's not Fellowship group night and there's nothing going on at church and the mall closes at 8, so the whole area closes down and looks like the entire town died or is almost dead. So, we're at home, glazed over...me at the computer 'cuz I can usually find something interesting here, my boy is playing with his dog, and Hubby is at the other computer. I need to put music on; that always helps. It's too dark for photography, besides, I already used up my clicking energy taking birthday shots of my dear little Andrew, the 4th Grand. The absolute cure for this slump, I think, would be to get out of Dodge and visit the big city this Saturday. I dream of having the time to go see something classy and civilized like a ballet or the Art Museum. I've never gone to a ballet and only twice to the Art Museum in all my 53 years. Life is zooming by and I have alot to live for and experience. But I feel I am being squelched, closed in, inhibited, because I LIVE HERE.

Aunt B's Bakery

Today had a section in it that was actually quite lovely. Well, breakfast was nice; my man put romantic music on and we both sat down at our little new/old round oak table, eating our oatmeal together, quietly like we were little old people or something. But rather than piddle around the house thinking of what all needs to be fixed but not feeling like doing anything about it, we decided to go to the Courthouse Square and look at the Corvette Show. Beautiful cars, they are. However, on my way around the block I asked Hubby if he'd like a brownie. "Sure!" came the reply from the guy with a sweet tooth. We walked into Aunt B's Bakery to buy a brownie. I knew, however, that we'd be blessed by more than a brownie. Aunt B herself was there and if you are having a glum day (or not even), Aunt B is the gal to see. I am tempted to believe that she is made up of the same thing as cupcakes, cheesecake, brownies, cinnamon brioche...and no, I'm not talkin' about sticky sweet. Sticky sweet people are more put on; fake, trying way too hard. I have dealt with that kind before and can pretty well spot them. This Sweet B is authentic and has just enough mischief, I think, to make her charming and fun. And KIND. NICE. CARING. Just like the swirled top on the cupcake. Only better. You tell her something and she listens, actually listens. So, she's not haphazzard with her friendship. Her little shop behind the old, historic bank teller counter shows how she is. Oh NO, not OLD! I mean....charming, like I said before. Beautiful, earnest, sincere. And I mean all this from the deepest butter-filled artery of my heart. Now, maybe I'll get a free cupcake. JUST kiddin'!

Wistful Thinking....

When I was at the beach, I saw this adorable little girl dancing and darting around, always close to her mommy. The thought of such allegiance between mother and daughter made me sad, but it was a beautiful sight to take in. Sad? Yes, because I knew at the time I didn't enjoy that close relationship with my own girl who is now eighteen. When my girl was little like this beach ballerina, she was perky and friendly, always calling me "Mama", always wanting to talk about it. Whatever "it" was, she'd talk. And talk. AND talk. And sing! Brianne would sing late at night, which was horrible, only if we were crammed into a motel room, trying desperately to sleep because it was midnight! Somewhere along the way, like around fifth grade, she began to change. Her disrespectful -to-parents friends were rubbing off on her and she was shutting me out. One day while shopping for a special occasion dress with her, I said "NO" to her favorite one because it was too revealing. Beautiful dress, BUT. She was FURIOUS! She leaned toward me and viciously whispered to me, (as if almost demon posessed), "I just want to PUNCH you in the face!" She was NOT kidding, she was NOT smiling. She was seriously mad. I was so upset, I tightened my face, turned around and walked out of not only the dressing room, but the store. Fortunately, I caught Hubby/daddy on my way out and let him know why I was leaving. Eventually, I came back because, of course we all had to go home in the same vehicle! If ever I wanted to give my girl away, it was that day. She denied she was angry and tried to convince me she was kidding. In my heart I knew that I saw and heard what I did and that the absolute truth was, she really wanted to sock me one! I gave birth to her, I closely observed her, I knew her capabilities and her faults. I knew about lies, sneaky attempts to fool me, manipulate me and I knew when she was truly sweet and caring. She never wanted to believe that I knew her as well as I did; that God gave me a special ability to see her as she really was. Intuition in top form! "Sorry " was a word she could never really say honestly. A girl like this only changes when she loses something or someone she deeply cares about. Maybe she won't even realize who or what she deeply cares about until it's too late. That happened to me on May 23rd, when I almost lost my own "Mama". My love for her grew into a whole new realm as I spent hours, bent over her feeble body, praying wholeheartedly that she would survive! God granted my wish...my mother survived and I enjoy this new, God-given love for her that wasn't really there before. We have an allegiance!

Someday, before it's too late, I want this allegiance with my girl, my little songbird who used to prance around in her own pink tutu with the Nutcracker Suite playing in the background. I'd love to see honesty in her, remorse, sensitivity for other people's needs and feelings, deep love and caring...respect! Maybe I have to wait a lifetime.

Children

My Brianne and my Ryan. She's 18, he's 16. They are my younger two and they are the ones who help me feel very young on some days and very old on others. The red head has a red mouth because he was feasting on Doritos; probably because there was "no food" in the house. The blue eyed blonde was excited and happy, forcing brother to smile, because she was officially finished with that dreadful place called high school. I, the mother, had no problem smiling. I've had enough of the drama that comes along with high school girls, particularly bipolar ones whose mothers are also that way. All these years of mothering...my oldest son is almost 27...have me feeling like, "OKAY, may I have a REST now?" It's not that I didn't/don't enjoy mothering, it's just that my children don't always enjoy being mothered. I did say mothered, not smothered. I remember how I was as a teen. I just wanted to have fun, no responsibility and everything on my terms and under my control. But I was very quiet about what and how I wanted things. How do you balance teaching your children to be responsible, respectful AND how to rest!? When they get to this age, they're being pulled in different directions from different people for different reasons. My heart needs an adjustment. They are still children, my children. But not really. Ouch.

The Flip Side of Pride of Ownership

After purchasing an item, no matter what it is or where it came from, I take care of it. Whether it needs to be watered, polished, loved on, cleaned, placed in the sunlight or shade, tucked into a corner, set on a table, parked in the farthest parking spot away from all other vehicles, I make it my pleasure and duty to see that it will last for as long as possible! I believe this is Pride of Ownership.
It can, however, turn into something ugly. I can become paranoid, selfish. Like, "No food allowed in this car!" "NO passing gas in this car!" No neighbors' tennis balls, baseballs, footballs, golfballs or hockey pucks are welcome in my yard; they might break the new windows! Don't leave crusty, gooey, staining messes on the counters or furniture; it might never come off! Don't drop my camera or touch the lens; I can't just run out and buy a new one!!! Don't trample on my flowers; I JUST bought them! Don't sneeze on the computer or pick your nose and then type on MY laptop's keyboard; I don't like germs and don't want to get sick!!! Eeewww! Don't put YOUR dog outside and leave all the droppings for ME to clean up. That's disgusting and I have already spent the better part of a lifetime cleaning up people messes and animal messes. It's YOUR turn. { ; Ah yes, pride of ownership. How does that relate to the church and the ministries that people claim to be their's??? Have you been overly involved because you wanted to think it was your "baby"? Or have you been involved because you simply wanted to be there? Or have you been involved because you had your arm twisted and you couldn't say no? So now. Where is your Holy Spirit? Is He sitting around out on the curb? The Holy Spirit says to be loving, truthful, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and to have self-control. By letting the Holy Spirit who is in you, LIVE through you, you will be living the evidence that He is really there. There is something to be said for taking care of what you have, whether it be things or ministries. Let God do His best through you with your capabilities that He gave you, and let go of the selfish grip.

Blue

Blue is beautiful, particularly when it is the sea. It is invigorating with waves and what I call frosting. My favorite Starbucks drink should be blue with the froth on top! My favorite outfit to wear is blue jeans with a white top. My favorite eye color is what you see in the third picture. Color is something God created in His amazing artistry. Blue has so many various hues and shades; it is always fascinating to me! I could stand on the beach and just gaze at the ocean for hours. I snapped over 1,000 pictures recently, 2/3 of them being of the water. The blue of the ocean held my complete attention; I was enraptured. I felt so thoroughly peaceful, happy, drawn in to a glorious place of beauty and power! God is like that, like the glorious blue ocean, calling my name, wanting me to devote my whole heart to Him. At the ocean, I felt like I was one with God, united, loved. My heart is there! Leaving the ocean was like severing something, like a loss. I have struggled with accepting that I cannot just live there. In my heart I know and believe that God is with me no matter where I am because His spirit is in my being. In my life here, I have to simply focus on His love and strength and do what He guides me to do each day, no matter how ordinary it is. No matter how dreary the weather, how headachey and nauseated I feel, how ugly and unusable the yard is, how moldy the bathroom is, how frustrating the politics are, how annoying people can be, how much I wonder about church and the same old same old...God and His glorious blue is with me. His joy is my strength. I must have faith!

Covered

When I am cold, I like to cover myself with the warmth of my down blanket.

When I'm hot, I like to be covered in...not much.

When I am happy, I feel secure, covered by my loved one's arms.

When I am sad, angry, frustrated...I am covered by a sheet of irritating burlap. Or so it seems.

When my heart has been broken, I am covered with heavy, black grief.

No matter what happens in life, what the feelings or happenings are, I believe I am always covered in God's love and mercy. It is always beautiful.

Just when I think I've seen enough beauty for one day, I discover more. Not just physical beauty but inward, hidden beauty. And just when I think I've seen enough rotten behavior or rottenness in general, I see more! My appreciation for what is real and true grows every day. I love the fact that God can see the most hidden. I have asked the Lord to show me what needs to go; what should be flushed out of me. He has been honoring my request fairly obviously. At times I am distressed by how fleshly, selfishly driven I am. Then an inward event takes place and I experience how awesome the Lord is! Suddenly I feel as inwardly beautiful as how my daughter looks in her blue gown. Sparkling with a joy and energy that can only come from ONE source, I am able to take on the day with a clear and truthful perspective! How do you deal with rottenness in your life?

Shadow of a Gown, Mystery of Godliness

The truth is that here is a gown. I know it is there and who is in it. I know that the vision is quite lovely. All you know is that the gown is aqua and has layers and is sparkly. The shadow on the floor gives it a mysterious, whispy touch. You can assume anything you want about the gown, the wearer, the shadow. Only I and the wearer know the truth about what the whole gown looks like and how the wearer looks in it. You just have to trust me with that and believe me.

So many people refuse to believe that God is real. I know He is real and that His spirit lives in me. I know He is Truth and because of that, I am free. I don't have to accept any guilty sinner bullets because every bit of that was taken care of at the cross. I don't have to take false accusations from twisted minded people either; that's for my Lord to handle. He knows my heart. He knows what I look like and how He looks through me. I don't need to make Him look good. He already does. I just need to let that come through. He's more than the shadow on the floor, more than the gown, more than the wearer of the finest outfit.

"He was manifested in the flesh,
vindicated by the Spirit,
seen by angels
proclaimed among the nations,
believed on in the world,
taken up in glory."
1 Timothy 3:16

White as...

not snow! Choosing to look at things again from the same perspective or from a different perspective is how life stays interesting. A sequin on a gown looks more brilliant in the glow of the sun. A tree flower is pretty whether you look at it with the sun behind it or in front of it. A blob of mold can be facsinating, especially when you look past it and notice that duck face looking thing that formed in the chile peppers! A person looks a certain way after getting out of bed in the morning and then, hopefully much better after getting a bit dolled up for the day! A Bible passage looks one way when you first read it, then has deeper meaning when you study the original language and the context of the passage. What am I like? Physically, my scars disappear when I am in soft sunlight. They glare at me in the bathroom mirror under the bulbs. Spiritually, I am learning to let the Holy Spirit flood my being with His light so that even with the personality and gifts He gave me, He shines in me! My desire is to fully allow His white light to glow from me, not literally of course, but in a way that my behavior is all about Him. Naturally, I am a selfish person. Supernaturally, I am... white as snow. In His perspective, anyway!

Grandchildren are....

the crown of the aged...

I do not feel aged, but compared to a child, I suppose I may look and even act aged! I have been gifted with children and grandchildren and would probably die if any one of them was taken from me. They have filled my life with suprises, laughter, hope, beauty, curiosity, realization, spiritual stretch marks and many reasons to be on my knees in prayer! I adore them! This adoration makes me see God's love. His love for them is so much greater, I could never properly explain it. He knows and does what is best for us and I feel so thoroughly blessed that he chose me to be the mother and grammy to these precious people!

Foundation For Growth

In order to grow in life, love, one needs a foundation. My life's foundation is made of my belief in God's sacrifice; Christ Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection. I can't begin to explain God's love, but I thoroughly believe in it, thrive on it! He does not see my sin because it was covered by Christ's blood when he died. It's so freeing to realize FINALLY (at my age) that God sees me as righteous. I don't have to live under a black cloud of conviction and punishment! Am I being cocky? In denial of my human tendancy to mess up? NO! When I make a wrong choice and reap the consequences, I admit I was wrong. I acknowledge my mistake! I endeavor to turn to a better direction and I am grateful to know that I am still loved, always forgiven, drenched in mercy. I am just like a tree that gets a whole new coat of leaves in the Spring, after having been a stark naked Winter one!

NO DOUBT About it!

Have you ever been in an earthquake? Years ago, Hubby and I were in the Los Angeles area, celebrating our anniversay, asleep in our hotel bed on the third floor. We had plans to spend the next 3 precious days going to Disneyland, the beach, antique stores, eating at nice restaurants, and most of all, enjoying being blissfully alone as a couple. I awoke on a shaking bed and sleepily asked, "What'sTHAT?" My husband doesn't get rattled easily, so his response was rather casual. "Oh, it's an earthquake." The way I jumped out of bed, you'd think I was responding to a half off sale at Nordstrom's department store. And better! Or worse? Anyway, we were fine, but my nerves and fear wouldn't allow me to calm down. We threw our things into a suitcase and left. We came all the way home! My fear for the unknown, doubt for the known, ruined our much needed vacation. Fear and doubt do so much harm, especially when you allow them to control your whole life. Fear is not from the Lord, it's from the enemy and is one of his favorite ways to put marriages and families and well, any person into ruins. His aim is destruction. His vices are many. I've been learning that I must not fall into that trap. I must be diligent in trusting my Lord and allowing His power to live and flow through me. It's better to live life as HIS life!

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Eph.3:14-19. Is this scripture fantastic, or what???? ( :

This first month of the year two thousand ten is nearly over. What have I done? Right now it doesn't matter. What really floats my boat is the fact that I am beginning to feel rejuvenated! Learning the truth about the Gospel, eating well, exercising, using my Nikon, helping people, loving my family and friends, realizing a true purpose in life is what is giving me a boost. I will post pictures and call it a night. Hubby and I need our beauty sleep!