Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wistful Thinking....

When I was at the beach, I saw this adorable little girl dancing and darting around, always close to her mommy. The thought of such allegiance between mother and daughter made me sad, but it was a beautiful sight to take in. Sad? Yes, because I knew at the time I didn't enjoy that close relationship with my own girl who is now eighteen. When my girl was little like this beach ballerina, she was perky and friendly, always calling me "Mama", always wanting to talk about it. Whatever "it" was, she'd talk. And talk. AND talk. And sing! Brianne would sing late at night, which was horrible, only if we were crammed into a motel room, trying desperately to sleep because it was midnight! Somewhere along the way, like around fifth grade, she began to change. Her disrespectful -to-parents friends were rubbing off on her and she was shutting me out. One day while shopping for a special occasion dress with her, I said "NO" to her favorite one because it was too revealing. Beautiful dress, BUT. She was FURIOUS! She leaned toward me and viciously whispered to me, (as if almost demon posessed), "I just want to PUNCH you in the face!" She was NOT kidding, she was NOT smiling. She was seriously mad. I was so upset, I tightened my face, turned around and walked out of not only the dressing room, but the store. Fortunately, I caught Hubby/daddy on my way out and let him know why I was leaving. Eventually, I came back because, of course we all had to go home in the same vehicle! If ever I wanted to give my girl away, it was that day. She denied she was angry and tried to convince me she was kidding. In my heart I knew that I saw and heard what I did and that the absolute truth was, she really wanted to sock me one! I gave birth to her, I closely observed her, I knew her capabilities and her faults. I knew about lies, sneaky attempts to fool me, manipulate me and I knew when she was truly sweet and caring. She never wanted to believe that I knew her as well as I did; that God gave me a special ability to see her as she really was. Intuition in top form! "Sorry " was a word she could never really say honestly. A girl like this only changes when she loses something or someone she deeply cares about. Maybe she won't even realize who or what she deeply cares about until it's too late. That happened to me on May 23rd, when I almost lost my own "Mama". My love for her grew into a whole new realm as I spent hours, bent over her feeble body, praying wholeheartedly that she would survive! God granted my wish...my mother survived and I enjoy this new, God-given love for her that wasn't really there before. We have an allegiance!
Someday, before it's too late, I want this allegiance with my girl, my little songbird who used to prance around in her own pink tutu with the Nutcracker Suite playing in the background. I'd love to see honesty in her, remorse, sensitivity for other people's needs and feelings, deep love and caring...respect! Maybe I have to wait a lifetime.